My history with anxiety spans over close to 15 years so it’s not unusual for me to get stuck in a rut, hit an anxious slump and go through the ‘down’ side of the many ups and downs that living with an anxiety disorder brings, I get through it and pick myself back up again, but at the moment this slump feels never ending.
It’s the worst I’ve experienced in a long while, the last was during the final few weeks of my pregnancy with Freya, of course I still have had down days or even a couple of weeks that’s been more difficult but overall have been coping well… but at the moment I am struggling to pick myself back up again.
It has become a daily struggle once more, I wake feeling as though I’ve ran a marathon the night before, and maybe fell over a few times, just aching with how tense I’ve been for what feels like weeks and weeks. That’s just one of the many physical symptoms which comes with G.A.D (Generalised Anxiety Disorder). No matter how many of these physical symptoms you’ve experienced, even when you feel you must have experienced them all another rears up and bites you in the …well rear! These physical symptoms have once again become a daily occurrence, health, social and general anxiety is raging and no matter what I just can’t seem to ease the worry, although admittedly I’ve not really been actively practising self care, I guess I’ve just tried my best to ignore the struggle, hope it goes away and carry on but I really should no better by now!
The fear of anxiety attacks have returned meaning I’m starting to avoid situations, already its threatening to stop me doing certain things, making me want to avoid going out and worrying what will happen if I do. Last Saturday Luke and I decided to have a date night, a meal and then the cinema, of course I wanted to go, part of me was looking forward to it but I couldn’t shake the fear of having a panic attack in front of all those people. The whole day right up to when we left I was on edge. The film was great (Dunkirk) but during the whole feature I was struggling to stay in that seat, wanting to get up and leave, tight chested, heart racing, head pulsing constantly feeling I was on the verge of a panic attack …I’m pleased I didn’t leave, but that’s the first time in so long I’ve felt that fear and that terrified me. I don’t want it to isolate me again.
Before I headed into work yesterday afternoon I felt sick to my stomach, I ended up in tears before walking out the door and honestly wasn’t sure how I would make it through until 7pm without having an absolute meltdown. I did make it through and felt better for doing it, but it’s just another worry added to what now feels like an endless list of anxious fears.
Throughout writing this post I’ve been debating whether or not to press the publish button, I’m not writing this for sympathy, I know there is many people worse off than me and I am so lucky and very grateful for many things in my life but this is my battle. I’ve always found writing down my thoughts, releasing it onto paper or now typing it onto a screen very therapeutic. I’ve been blogging now for just over 2 months and I love capturing and documenting our life as a family, it has not only become an enjoyable hobby, it really is like my therapy, a release. I’ve been open about the fact that part of my blog would be documenting my experiences living with anxiety as after struggling trying to hide it for many years I do feel its incredibly important for it to be spoken about more in order for it to be better understood. It’s not just to ‘jump on the band wagon, not to copy or get free stuff! This really means so much more to me than that.
Finishing on a more positive note, no matter how hard things seem, how stressed and anxious or upset I feel, that adorable smile, that cheeky laugh, that warm hug and cute little peck on the cheek, my little girl never fails to make me smile, her daddy stands by me no matter how irritable I am and I’m so thankful for the support from my family and friends I just need to get a little bit better at asking for help and taking care of me. It’s a tough time but I will get through this like I have before.
I hope that anyone reading this that maybe experiencing similar struggles, or any sort of struggle has someone to reach out to, you are not alone. When my anxiety hit all those years ago, during the darkest times I found a lot of comfort and support online. I can’t describe the weight that was lifted when I discovered I wasn’t the only one going through this! I know it can be so difficult to open up and ask for help, but there is help out there, people that understand, don’t be afraid to seek help and my inbox is always open.